Only in the dark, can we see the stars.
Only in the Fires of Mordor, can the ring be destroyed.
Only in Kelantan, can lipstick and high heels cause rape.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kelantan, once again, never fails to amuse Gustave.
First it was the dress code which states that states that both Muslim and non-Muslim women have to wear "decent outfits which do not expose the naval, show a lot of cleavage, or emphasises the buttocks.
Define "a lot of cleavage".
For some lactose-loving individuals, there can never be too much cleavage.
What if a woman was blessed with the cup size of Kiera Knightley?
I believe that a woman has every right to showcase her junk in the trunk proudly for the benefit of mankind.
If one finds the sight disturbing, one can always look away.
Or stab one's eyes out with a disposable fork.
Of course, our mummy-loving state always justifies throwing freedom and human rights out the window like a cheap, re-used condom.
Peculiar metaphor, eh?
To prevent rape.
RAPE!
Holy shitake mushrooms! Of course! It's so obvious!
To heck with human rights!
After all, Guantanamo Bay was justified because it protects the wellbeing of the people.
Ok, so maybe those at Guantanamo Bay have it little rougher because their eyes, ears, and mouths are covered up...as opposed to only boobs, butt, and legs.
To heck with men, hormones, and the built-in reproductive drive of humans!
If one dresses up pretty, one is obviously begging to be violated and penetrated in every orifice imaginable! (Including, but not limited to, the ears.)
So, boys and girls, once upon a time...
...in a land far away with no legally visible navels and minimal cleavage...
...there was a man named Shefie Ismail...
"Eh, eh, eh! I is have great idea after 6 shots of terrapin blood! Let's ban Lipstick and High Heels in order to prevent rape!"
That's right boys and girls! Who knows what rape means?
Johnny?
:)
According to the infallible logic of a Shefie Ismail, lipstick and high heels "which make a tapping sound" increases the occurance of females being rape.
No comment was made about males with lipstick or high heels getting raped.
After many minutes of pondering while sitting on a ceremic structure which stimulates defecation and increases blood flow to the brain, Gustave Oon comes up with several explanations to back up Chevy Is Mail.
A letter is also mail.
Lipstick and High Heels cause rape because:
1. Colours can confuse and arouse.
Several shades and colours of lipstick may be confuse and arouse(two important elements in the process of seduction) males.
The shade of the lipstick applied to the lip of a female may coincidently resemble the same colour of a female reproductive organ known as the vagina.
The sight of a pair of "erotic lips" wondering around in public may be confusing and arousing to males. This may be due to the lack of sex education and exposure of Malaysians.
The confused and aroused male may have the urge to insert his reproductive organ into the female's reproductive organ with or without the purpose of reproduction
The male may then proceed to claim his prey.
This process is known as "rape".
2. It comes in fruity flavours.
The fruity flavours that lipstick comes in may be a motivating factor. A male subject may be especially turned on by a certain fragrance such as watermelon, which is a known aphrodisiac.
Some men have even been known to enjoy the scent of banana on their genitals.
They will then proceed to transfer the banana-flavoured lipstick from the lips of a female onto their gonads. Sometimes, rape is necessary.
You know what they say:
A horny man is an angry man.
Therefore, they cannot really be blamed for their actions.
3. Usage of sound to stimulate
Various sounds have been known to stimulate sexual desire in humans.
Examples include:
Rain
Panting
Ocean waves
Jazz music
The sound of others having intercourse
The sound of two wet steaks slapping together
Whitney Houston
Britney Spears
Fergie
Imogen Heap
Apparantly, the clicking sound made by high heels must be on the list too, because it's alright to wear high heels "with rubber soles" in Kelantan. These do not produce a clicking sound during walks.
Humans are known to be rhythmic beings, capable of accurately following a beat (during a football match cheer, for example) up to 64 fps (frames per second).
When the steady walking of a female in high heels produces a rhythmic clicking sound, males may tune in to the rhythm and perceive a type of connection.
This may lead to unwanted sexual advances.
Hence, rape.
But why only in Kelantan?
The Kelantanese generally have a reputation for being repressive and not sexually open. This may lead to sexual unawareness, and hence, confusion about the urges they feel.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how lipstick and high heels cause rape in Kelantan.
So, ladies, the next time you think about or wearing high heels or putting on lipstick, ask yourselves the following questions:
"Do I walk in a clickingly explicit manner?"
"Do the colours match?"
"Is Gustave really addicted to green tea?"
Happy 3000, TheNightWasDarkAndStuff.
Cheers!
Make Gustave feel warm and fuzzy!
Nang this post!
Holy shitake mushrooms! Of course! It's so obvious!
To heck with human rights!
After all, Guantanamo Bay was justified because it protects the wellbeing of the people.
Ok, so maybe those at Guantanamo Bay have it little rougher because their eyes, ears, and mouths are covered up...as opposed to only boobs, butt, and legs.
To heck with men, hormones, and the built-in reproductive drive of humans!
If one dresses up pretty, one is obviously begging to be violated and penetrated in every orifice imaginable! (Including, but not limited to, the ears.)
So, boys and girls, once upon a time...
...in a land far away with no legally visible navels and minimal cleavage...
...there was a man named Shefie Ismail...
"Eh, eh, eh! I is have great idea after 6 shots of terrapin blood! Let's ban Lipstick and High Heels in order to prevent rape!"
That's right boys and girls! Who knows what rape means?
Johnny?
:)
According to the infallible logic of a Shefie Ismail, lipstick and high heels "which make a tapping sound" increases the occurance of females being rape.
No comment was made about males with lipstick or high heels getting raped.
After many minutes of pondering while sitting on a ceremic structure which stimulates defecation and increases blood flow to the brain, Gustave Oon comes up with several explanations to back up Chevy Is Mail.
A letter is also mail.
Lipstick and High Heels cause rape because:
1. Colours can confuse and arouse.
Several shades and colours of lipstick may be confuse and arouse(two important elements in the process of seduction) males.
The shade of the lipstick applied to the lip of a female may coincidently resemble the same colour of a female reproductive organ known as the vagina.
The sight of a pair of "erotic lips" wondering around in public may be confusing and arousing to males. This may be due to the lack of sex education and exposure of Malaysians.
The confused and aroused male may have the urge to insert his reproductive organ into the female's reproductive organ with or without the purpose of reproduction
The male may then proceed to claim his prey.
This process is known as "rape".
2. It comes in fruity flavours.
The fruity flavours that lipstick comes in may be a motivating factor. A male subject may be especially turned on by a certain fragrance such as watermelon, which is a known aphrodisiac.
Some men have even been known to enjoy the scent of banana on their genitals.
They will then proceed to transfer the banana-flavoured lipstick from the lips of a female onto their gonads. Sometimes, rape is necessary.
You know what they say:
A horny man is an angry man.
Therefore, they cannot really be blamed for their actions.
3. Usage of sound to stimulate
Various sounds have been known to stimulate sexual desire in humans.
Examples include:
Rain
Panting
Ocean waves
Jazz music
The sound of others having intercourse
The sound of two wet steaks slapping together
Whitney Houston
Fergie
Imogen Heap
Apparantly, the clicking sound made by high heels must be on the list too, because it's alright to wear high heels "with rubber soles" in Kelantan. These do not produce a clicking sound during walks.
Humans are known to be rhythmic beings, capable of accurately following a beat (during a football match cheer, for example) up to 64 fps (frames per second).
When the steady walking of a female in high heels produces a rhythmic clicking sound, males may tune in to the rhythm and perceive a type of connection.
This may lead to unwanted sexual advances.
Hence, rape.
But why only in Kelantan?
The Kelantanese generally have a reputation for being repressive and not sexually open. This may lead to sexual unawareness, and hence, confusion about the urges they feel.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how lipstick and high heels cause rape in Kelantan.
So, ladies, the next time you think about or wearing high heels or putting on lipstick, ask yourselves the following questions:
"Do I walk in a clickingly explicit manner?"
"Do the colours match?"
"Is Gustave really addicted to green tea?"
Happy 3000, TheNightWasDarkAndStuff.
Cheers!
Make Gustave feel warm and fuzzy!
Nang this post!
6 comments:
by oversimplifying the main causes of rape, the kelantan government again becomes the butt of jokes yet again among real intellectuals. very well written. but why guys like banana on genitals har?
Well, i'm a Kelantanese ( i'm not sure whether you're too) but i'm rather offended with your statement here:
"The Kelantanese have a reputation for being repressive and not sexually open. This may lead to sexual unawareness, and hence, confusion about the urges they feel."
The PAS government only impose that rules within the MPBK office and not the whole state and it only applies to muslim women. Non-muslim are allowed to wear freely as long as it is decent as in any other governmental organisation throughout Malaysia.
As far as i know, it is not the PAS government who suggested it, but rather the muslim female employees who proposed it. It's just the media often twisted it, as they always do on Kelantan.
To tell you the truth, there are several private company in KUALA LUMPUR that set the same rules. Even worse, my friends who work in Daya Bumi cannot even wear tudung with bright colours!
:) Cheers.
Oh yeah, anyhow, good piece of writing. Like the way you presented it.
XD Thank you simon! :)
Um...hehe...banana...kin jio...
...personal la.
:P
keemanxp
...um... XP
Meant to be light-hearted, mate! Hope that there are no hard-feelings, yeah? :)
Yeah...happens in KL too.
yeah Gustave, get what you're trying to convey. :p
Keep blogging!
LOL. great post. my first time to ur blog n i must say i love your writing style.
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