Assholes.

There are good days.

There are bad days.

There are Green Tea days.

But mostly, there are shit days.


Shit days are caused by being in close proximity with assholes.

The smelly, annoying, pulsating kind.


Personally, I go through life tolerating assholes.

Sometimes.


I'm not surrounded by them.

But the thought of having to breathe in what they breathe out deeply disturbs me on many levels.

Don't you get that sometimes?



Assholes have totally ruined air for me.

...and the Joker's "Why so serious" line.



I think there should be a socially acceptable way of informing someone of his or her Anality.

How about giving them a folded three-piece of toilet paper?

Maybe a four or five-piece if the guy's a really big asshole.

Personally, my buttwipes are three-pieced.


"Hey man, see ya later..."

"Alright man, see ya, man..."

"Yeah...oh wait..."

"Yeah...whassup?"

"One more thing...here you go..."

"Woah...what's tha...? Oh...Oh. I see."

"Yeah...you know how it rolls, dawg..."

"Yeah, man. It's cool..."


Expect to see it in a cinema near you.



Stock up on toilet paper! 3 assholes are born every minute!

Every 30 seconds, a child dies of second-hand asshole exposure.

Studies have shown that assholes are the leading cause of anal cancer.

Don't do assholes! Just say NO!



Meet the assholes:

The annoying asshole.
Annoys. Sometimes by talking too much about too little.

The selfish asshole.
Only thinks of self. Takes self-preservation too far. Makes life difficult for others to save 5 minutes of own time.

The smelly asshole.
No pun intended. Has the personal hygiene of a...a...an asshole. Stinks. Does not care about health and wellbeing of surrounding people. Has never heard of deodorant. A subclass of the selfish asshole.

The obnoxious asshole.
Thinks he's really fucking funny. Too much. Too loud. Too cool.

The sucker-up asshole.
Sucks up excessively. Think over-enthusiastic blowjob, without the blowjob. Will even resort to backstabbing and dirty tactics to get what they want.

The shallow asshole.
Has the depth of a well dressed, decorated, perfume-reeking puddle. Thinks looking pretty or macho and owning a handbag and bling-bling are basic human rights.

The lazy asshole.
Does not want to do anything that involves more than existing. May even ask others to do work. Like asking another for a buttwipe.

The over-achieving asshole.
Complains that marks are limited to 100%. Threatens suicide for a week because of a 99.975 result on a Moral Studies quiz.

The two-faced asshole.
Manipulative. Considers backstabbing and gossiping a full-time job. Snipes people from cover. Usually cowardly. Try not to imagine what a two-faced asshole looks like.

The insensitive asshole.
Has the social skills of a baboon on weed. Which makes no sense at all. Cares not about the situation or the feelings of others.

The arrogant asshole.
A combination of the insensitive asshole and the selfish asshole. Does whatever regardless of the wellbeing of others. Endangers others at times. Also known as the Fuck Everything Asshole.

The bushole.
Includes 90% of all Malaysian bus drivers.

The asshole.
Exists.




Assholes come in all shapes and sizes. All smells and colours.

Assholes help us appreciate the rest of the world and everyone else who's not anal.

So, if, or rather...when, I tell you that you are not an asshole...it's a compliment.

It means I do not visualise setting your pubes ablaze and watching you burn to a Famous Anus cookie crisp.

And now you know why I carry lighters around.



Here's to all the assholes in the world who deserve a pencil in the eye!

Cheers!